What the letter said was that I found her very attractive and that I’d seen her walking her dog a lot and so I just wanted to say hello. It also said that I’d watched her several times through a window, but not like HER window or anything. I meant through my car window when I was driving. And that “watching,” sounds so creepy. It was more like I just happened to glance over and see her.
That was the gist of it. And I didn’t have any paper so I wrote it on an old traffic ticket envelope and put it under her windshield wiper blade.
“Hey!” she screamed.
I started to respond, but she marched right by me and up to the parking enforcement officer who I guess was standing behind me.
“I was parked just fine!” she screamed. “What is this, some sort of bullshit quota you have to fill?!”
He didn’t like the accusations and so he fired right back.
“I didn’t give you a ticket!”
“Liar!”
“Man oh man,” I thought.
And I guess she was having one of those days because she pulled a gun out of her purse and shot the parking officer three times in the chest. Then, she put the gun barrel in her own mouth and pulled the trigger. It was a huge mess.
“Well, I guess that’s a no,” I said, in a real sitcom-y voice.
“WAY-TO-MAKE-IT-ALL-ABOUT-YOU,” boomed the helmet fastened to my dog’s head that converted his barks to English.
I poured the remainder of my expensive latte on the dog’s helmet, which caused it to crackle and malfunction.
The right girl was out there somewhere. And I would find her.
Next to me, the dog’s helmet made a crackling noise. A sarcastic crackling noise.
1,179 notes (via aedison & tomoatmeal)
I sit at my table and wage war on myself
It seems like it’s all, it’s all for nothing
I know the barricades, and
I know the mortar in the wall breaks
I recognize the weapons, I used them well…(i’ve used them on myself).
This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down
I’ve a rich understanding of my finest defenses
I proclaim that claims are left unstated,
I demand a rematch
I decree a stalemate
I divine my deeper motives
I recognize the weapons
I’ve practiced them well. I fitted them myself (& i’ve used them well)
It’s amazing what devices you can sympathize, (empathize)
This is my mistake. Let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down
This is my world
And I am world leader pretend
This is my life
And this is my time
I have been given the freedom
To do as I see fit
It’s high time I’ve razed the walls
That I’ve constructed
You fill in the mortar. You fill in the harmony
You fill in the mortar. I raised the wall
And I’m the only one
I will be the one to knock it down. Knock it DOWN.
TYPICAL EVERYDAY NORMAL GUY
“I make pretty decent speghetti sauce…Muthafucker!”
omg this is the best; hilarious.
When someone says, “Can I ask you a question?”
You can save time by just telling them,
“It’s at the top of the vagina.”
(questions are now obsolete. you are welcome)
(Source: asofterworld.com)
Pregnancy: Yep. I got another bun in the uterus.
Sex: We did the ol’ horizontal copulation.
Testicles: And then she kicked me! Right in the family balls!
Male Genitalia: Would you like to meet my one-eyed trouser penis?
Fighting: Your father and I had words last night. The most common words were Fuck and You.
(Source: smbc-comics.com)
